


Would You Like Fries with That Apocalypse?

by Arriva



Category: The Black Tapes Podcast
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen, McDonald's, PNWS Holiday Hellatus Exchange, liminal spaces
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-11 05:18:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8955364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arriva/pseuds/Arriva
Summary: Nothing brings people together like fast food, and after a life-threatening accident, that's exactly what Alex and Richard need.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [remembertowrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/remembertowrite/gifts).



"RUN!"

They're already running, but the low rumble of the earth splitting apart spurs Alex and Richard to run faster. Behind them, a church that once housed a demonic cult splinters and cracks as if the devil himself is reaching out from the earth and dragging it down. Maybe he is. In 1974, the Temple of Igmortis was arrested for animal abuse. When the police broke the door to the church basement down, they discovered rotting pig carcasses with their faces cut off and -"You guessed it," as Alex would later narrate- reattached upside down. As the police brought the cult members out of the church, their leader screamed that one day Astaroth would rise from hell and drag the church down to reap the Temple's offerings.

In retrospect, Alex should have seen this coming.

* * *

Alex has heard of the phrase, "middle of nowhere," but this McDonald's probably doesn't even have the privilege of being in the middle of something. If she hadn't lost her phone, she bets she couldn't even find this one Google Maps. The  _c_ and the  _D_ on the sign are out, so the neon sign only reads  _Monald's._ There's not a single car in the parking lot, which means their chances of getting a ride are slim to none.

But it's cold, she's cold, and the impending storm clouds aren't helping. _Monald's_ is starting to look enticing. She looks over at Strand, begging for eye contact. "They might have a phone."

He refuses to look at her, despite being covered in mud and shivering like a cat that crawled out of a gutter. "I would hope so."

"Did I mention I'm sorry?"

"I'd prefer to keep conversation to a minimum," he says as he heads toward the entrance.

The only sounds are their mud-caked shoes squelching against the asphalt. Her socks must be wet. It's very annoying. Alex huffs out a laugh. Her phone is lost, their rental car is destroyed, Strand isn't speaking with her, and oh yes, they nearly _died_ , but the only thing bothering her are wet socks.

It's that kind of day, she supposes.

The McDonald's is warm and still standing, which is more than Alex can say for the church. The interior reminds her of the ones from the nineties right down to the stools shaped like burgers. Come to think of it, Alex hasn't seen one of those _since_ the nineties... What's it doing here? And where is everyone? Even for 10:30 on a Wednesday night, she expected to see at least one or two people inside.

But the only person besides them is a cashier flipping idly through a _Seventeen_ magazine. Alex frowns. She _remembers_ reading that exact copy when she was a teenager. But the cashier -her name tag says _Raquel_ \- can't be more than twenty. Raquel makes no move to greet Alex and Strand, not even when walk right up to the counter.

"Uh, hi," Alex says. Raquel pointedly shuts her magazine, finally looking up at them.

She spares one glance at the two people who look like swamp monsters, and says, "Hi, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get you?" in a voice far too monotone for someone talking to two people who look like swamp monsters.

"Actually, we were wondering if we could use your phone," Alex says.

"If you're not here to order anything, I can't help you," she says with the same monotone.

"It's actually kind of an emergency-"

"If you're not here to order anything, I can't help you," Raquel repeats.

The cryptic calm of her voice takes Alex aback. "Are you seriously not...?" Raquel stares unblinking at her. Alex sighs. She's tired. Her wallet's gone. She can't believe she's about to do this. "Do you have any money?" Alex asks Strand.

Strand takes it about as well as she expected. "This is ridiculous," he says. "Are you really going to-"

"Richard, _please_."

He digs through his jacket and pulls out a surprisingly clean five dollar bill. "Will this be enough?"

They settle on two Double Cheeseburgers. Alex throws in a McFlurry. If she's eating unhealthy, why not eat extremely unhealthy? She slides into the booth by the window while Strand uses the restaurant's phone. The storm clouds have turned into an actual storm, and the rain's pounding against the building. Alex has a half a mind to run outside just to wash the mud off herself.

What a sight she must be. Alex looks down her body. She can feel the mud everywhere: in her hair, under her clothes, on her face. She can even see the dirt path she and Strand have tracked on the tiles.

Speaking of people she's on shaky terms with, Strand sits down across from her with napkins and hand wipes. "Here." He slides a few wipes toward her. "You've got mud on your face."

"Gee, I hadn't noticed," Alex says, swiping the wipes up. Strand does the same, and one pile of dirty wipes later, they both look somewhat like real people again.

Unfortunately, real people have to talk about horrible decisions that endangered the people they care about.

Alex takes a deep breath. "So I-"

Suddenly, a tray plops down on their table. Alex and Strand look up to see Raquel. "Enjoy your meal. Or don't. It's up to you," she says as she drifts back to the cash register.

Alex grabs her Double Cheeseburger before realizing something's amiss. "Wait!" Raquel turns around. "We didn't order fries."

She gives a noncommittal shrug. "We throw them out at the end of the night anyways. You might as well take them."

Before Alex can protest, she's back at the counter flipping through her magazine. Funny enough, she never saw Raquel go back to  _get_ their food. Alex looks down at the fries. She can practically see the heart attack waiting to happen- who is she kidding, they look _delicious_. "Do you want some fries?" she asks Strand.

"Did I ask for fries?" he says.

 _No, but you did predict investigating this source would turn out horribly you a smug son of a-_ "I thought I'd extend the offer."

"If I wanted fries, I would have asked for some when we were ordering."

"Well, maybe I was trying to be considerate."

"I think you've been considerate enough."

"I'll be as considerate as I want."

"Fine."

"Fine!"

The two of them dig silently into their Double Cheeseburgers. Alex rips up the wrapping on her burger into tiny strips, while Strand picks out all the vegetables in his with unnecessary aggression. The fries sit right where Raquel left them, untouched by either of them. She tries her hardest not to take notice of them, but how can she not? Not when they're sitting there, like an unwanted party guest, getting colder and soggier-

She can't take it anymore.

"Eat a damn fry, Richard."

"Maybe I don't want a fry," he says in that infuriatingly even tone of voice.

"Maybe if you _had_ a fry you'd change your mind."

"Maybe being forced to eat fries isn't how I want to spend an already ruined day."

He's spinning her up. He's completely and totally spinning her up, and she's about to take the bait.

"Is that how you interpret this?" Her voice grows louder until she's is a fast food-powered avalanche of frustration and self-loathing. "Maybe the fries weren't trying to ruin your day. _Maybe_ they didn't plan to open up a sinkhole. _Maybe_ they feel really bad about what happened!"

"Alex, what are you-"

But she isn't finished. "And you know what? There's nothing inherently wrong with eating fries! They actually taste very good, and if you weren't so hung up on your one bad experience with fries, maybe you'd realize that!"

"I don't dislike fries-"

"Besides if the world's going to end anyways, we might as well enjoy fries while we still can!"

Before she can stop herself, Alex hurls the fries off the table. They hit the floor with a  _SPLAT!_ Alex puts a hand over her mouth. It's just fries, she tells herself,  _it's just fries._ Then why does she feel like she broke something?

Strand stares at the mess with a mixture of shock and realization on his face. "This isn't about fries, is it?"

"Look, I am  _sorry_ I put us in danger," Alex says. "I didn't plan for a sinkhole."

And finally, after a whole evening of the the cold shoulder, Richard thaws. "I accept your apology." But she's not completely off the hook. "You saw the church though. It was clearly structurally unsafe. Why did you insist we go in?"

"I was... chasing a story," Alex says. She wants to smack herself. That explanation doesn't sound convincing even to herself.

"I've seen you chasing a story. While I admit sometimes your journalistic pursuits border on..."  _Ethically dubious._ They're both thinking it. "...relentless, you're still focused. This wasn't today. This was reckless and _unfocused_."

"I know."

"Then why?"

"Because I wanted  _normal_!" she exclaims. "I wanted to go to a creepy church and find a creepy story and that's it! No conspiracies, no schemes to end the world. Like when we first started out. God, things were different when we started doing this." Her shoulders slump. She's one more painful confession away from melting into the booth. "If I'd known what would happen, I never would have even suggested it," she adds.

Richard is silent for a moment. "I'm sorry this couldn't be normal," he says.

Alex smiles weakly. "Thanks."

"And I'm sorry for my contentious behavior. I'll admit that was childish of me."

Her smiles gets a tiny bit bigger. "Thanks. Again. And I'm sorry too. For the getting us killed. And the fries" Alex pick up the last remaining bit of her cheeseburger, and a thought occurs to her. "Was this our first fight?"

Richard balks. "This is most certainly  _not_ our first... oh." His eyes widen. "You mean our first fight as a-  _oh_."

He's redder than the red on the tiles. Not that Alex is any different. She's blushing like she's back in middle school, and Eric Stewart just told her she's cute. This feels better though. The same way that night at the safe house felt better. The same way the night after the finale aired felt better.

 _They_ feel better.

She spots a lone fry sitting on the table. "One of the fries escaped annihilation. Do you wanna split it?"

While she never banked on Richard eating the fastest of fast food, his "I'd be glad to," is pleasantly surprising.

Alex picks the fry up, tears it in two, and hands one to Richard. She eats the fry in one bite, and it's just as salty and crisp as the last fries she got from McDonald's. She notices he's looking at her. "What?"

"You missed a spot."

Before she can ask where, he brushes his thumb against her cheekbone then to her surprise, pulls her in for a kiss. She can taste the rainwater and the burger in his mouth, but she wouldn't have it any other way. When they pull away, she can't help but smile. "Did you do that just so you could kiss me?" she asks.

He huffs out a comfortingly familiar laugh. "Perhaps I did. You did miss a spot though."

And just like that, she knows this entire day will be something they laugh about when they get back.

* * *

Later that week, Alex Googles McDonalds surrounding the area of the church. The one they found was a fifteen-minute walk from the church. Or now she guesses it's the sinkhole where the church once stood. The journalist in her is curious, and if Alex and Richard are ever around that area again, it might be fun to stop by and reminisce about the time they almost drowned in a sinkhole. 

The closest one is forty-five miles away. And it was renovated two years ago.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Hellatus! And special thanks to remembertowrite for organizing this. I hope you liked the story!


End file.
